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Nov. 10th, 2009 @ 01:53 am
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this can't be the end.
god damn how many times does my heart have to break i'm sick of it. it hurts so bad, emotionally AND physically i'm in so much fucking pain. |
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Sep. 2nd, 2009 @ 11:33 pm
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Fuck that i am NOT moving back.
My dad is such a douchebag.
Telling me if i move back i'm not 'getting away with murder' anymore.
And the best part....here's the kicker.... I can't be with Alex anymore
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
yeah no fuck him i'm staying here hopefully cheryl will let me stay now after everything
ughhhh i'm such an asshole
why can't i fucking stick with a decision or make the right one in the first place
idfk anymore
i hate this so fucking much. |
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Aug. 31st, 2009 @ 09:09 pm
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First day of school. Just had one class,english. Boring of course i've always hated english but i got to leave when i was finished writing an essay about myself lol. But parking was absolutely ridiculous and my car is going to get hit so many times and i'm going to flip out because i put so much money into that car and it's my baby so ughhhhh. I have italian tomorrow which i'm definitely NOT looking forward to. Then work.
Hopefully moving back.
bye. |
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Aug. 22nd, 2009 @ 12:09 am
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I. Don't. Want. To. Be. Here. Anymore.
And my dad won't let me back wtf.
I'm trying ONE MORE TIME and if nothing i will kill him or myself for living in this house. |
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Aug. 12th, 2009 @ 12:04 am
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I'm so sick of this bullshit fighting i don't know how much more i can take.
I fucking love him to death and die every minute we don't talk but i hate giving in because i'm losing and nothing ever gets fixed so what the fuck do i do?Current Mood:  and confused |
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I kind of regret my move.
Not a shocker since i tend to make rash decisions without thinking of the consequences.
I find it strange how i never know what to write in these things anymore meanwhile a few years ago i wrote in this thing every second with such long rants lol i guess cause i only go on here when i'm bored and desperate? I need to go on here when i'm pissed/depressed so i can get it out better but i don't for some reason hmmm.
I'll be 18 soon and hopefully getting my frist tattoo i'm super excited.
I miss my dad even though he's still a jerk sometimes.
He's all i really had, my mom was never really there despite how close we used to be. Fact is she left me when i was young and when i needed her the most. Left me to grow up in a house with 3 miserable mean men. Who don't understand anything i go through and never give me any slack or sympathy. Anyway that's old news.
I don't feel right in this house. I mean as much as i hated my old house it was still MY house that i grew up in and lived my whole life in. As much as i felt alone in that house i just feel so strange being here i totally feel out of place. It's been like 3 weeks and i went back to my old house the other night hoping my dad would take me back with open arms but of course things never go right for me and he says i need to learn my lesson and i can't keep changing my mind and all that. It hurt really bad. Really fucking bad. I can't even think about it now. It's fucking bullshit how he takes Mike back after assaulting him and Chris and who trashes the house and is so disgusting and disrespectful but he won't let me back after i REALIZED i made a mistake and i'm sorry for it. I fucking hate my life sometimes i really fucking do.
College is going to absolutely suck meanwhile it's supposed to be like the best years in my life or whatever. Ugh my schedule sucks so bad i'm going every god damn day except sunday and i'm barely going to work meaning i'll be broker than i already am. And just i know myself I'm going to get so overwhelmed. And I'm never going to see Alex and that's going to fucking kill me because i go crazy if i don't see him for a day imagine like a whole week. What the fuck am i gunna do?
I fucking wish karma was real this is bullshit. My life still fucking blows and people that have hurt me so bad seem to have the life. I am so fucking nice to EVERY BODY and i just keep getting fucked over and nobody appreciates me i hate it.
Therapy has never helped me. Pills has never helped me.
I'm still as fucked up as ever. I still want to kill myself/kill other people all the time. I still cry all the time. My physical health also still SUCKS.
I don't know what to fucking do anymore i thought by finding the one person i love more than anything would make all my problems go away but i was wrong =[
I know love isn't perfect and i hope to god in a few years when Alex and I have our own place that our relationship improves and becomes healthy because i hate all the fighting it kills me.
I just don't know,never did,probably never will.
I'm always going to be a mess apparently and never be able to make up my mind.
I just hope fighting to stay alive all these years will be worth it in the end.....=/
Aug. 10th, 2009 @ 09:50 pm
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Ugh i always forget about this, and my life is pretty boring.
I moved in with Cheryl and i already want to murder the dog. My dad warned me but i ignored it. He fucking barks randomly throughtout the night and it scares the fuck out of me. UGH.
But anyway it seems so much better here. But we'll see.
Me and Alex aren't doing too great and it's killing me. I can't let him go i just can't I am absolutely in love with him and i just wish things were better and it was a few years later. Grrrrr.
That's it really. Later
Jul. 20th, 2009 @ 01:21 am
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Soooo i haven't written in this thing for over 4 months what a surpriseeee.
Ummmm I've been going out with Alex for over like 6 1/2 months and it's absolutely amazing.
I'm moving in with Cheryl soon, can't be more excited to get out of this fucking town and start over pretty much.
I'm still scared as hell about college and i still have absolutely no friends.
I'm finally officially off all bullshit meds. Yes that's right i went cold turkey i don't give a shit anymore i'm sick of it they only make me worse.
I honestly have nothing else to talk about my life is incredibly boring
Bye.
Jul. 8th, 2009 @ 12:27 am
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So this is mine and Alex's third big fight guess what OVER SEX
i am so stressed out AGAIN and i told him AGAIN that i really didn't want to do this anymore.
FML.
Mar. 10th, 2009 @ 08:35 pm
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So i had sex today. I don't regret it but he feels terrible because it hurt me so bad. =[ Now I feel so bad for him feeling bad. It's been 3 hours and I'm still bleeding pretty heavy =[[[
UGH why do i have to be so small
=[
Feb. 12th, 2009 @ 05:55 pm
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I cut 7th and 8th to go to Friendly's with Clarissa,so worth it.
Went to therapy,it went good. Gyno wednesday i can't wait to go on the damn pill and hopefully have a better period.
Me and Alex are really considering things. Not gunna say,even though no one reads these,but him lol. Anyyyyway
I love him so incredibly much i never though possible.
Nothing else is up
I'm excited for v day cause he's spoiling the crap out of me
yay =]
I seemed to have misplaced my glasses and it really sucks i have NO idea where they are
=x
400 fucking bucks
ughh
oh and i'm super sick
my nose will NOT stop running and my sinuses are killllllling me
blah
byee<3
Feb. 5th, 2009 @ 08:15 pm
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So new classes. PIG is gunna suck i know it. Criminal Justice seems fun and he's cool so yeah.
I love Alex i really do. I was allowed back over today woo! And i better be tomorrow it's his day off lol. My tummy hurts really bad it has for 2 days =[
I'm bored and just did a survey all about Alex and us hahah that's how bored i am.
I cut 6th 7th and 8th today,they haven't called yet..... =x
whoops
laterrrr.
Feb. 2nd, 2009 @ 07:58 pm
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Work suckedddd and it really strained me but Alex stayed an extra hour because i was working till 10 and he always works till 9 and i asked for him to stay,I'm surprised he did. I love himmmm. I wish i could be with him everyday,at HIS house not mine ughhh my dad reallyyyy sucks sometimes =[
I have the gyno appt on the 11th i am so nervous and scared =[
Katie,my neighbor,aka my second mom,is coming with me,so it shouldn't be too bad =/ Well i'll just treat myself to Panera after mmmm
go Riverhead
I BETTER GET MY CAR BACK TOMORROW
UGH
k bye.
<3
Jan. 30th, 2009 @ 11:13 pm
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I just can't wait for our relationship to grow and for us to be older already so we can start our lives together, be married and have babies,beautiful babies. I just love him oh so much i can't say it any other way. I think about him more than i think about breathing. I love that kid so much. This is real love not some stupid immature young love where you don't mean it. i mean it,i love Alex Harrison Kaplan with all of my heart no matter what and i just want to be older with him i hate this age. I miss him so much i love him so much. Why does it have to hurt so bad why can't our lives just start alreadyyy.
<33
Jan. 28th, 2009 @ 10:09 pm
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Alex and i had a pretty big fight and it was really scary. I really thought i might have lost him but no we promised we'd fight for it and we did. I love him so much and miss him,today we hung out and it was the first time we held each other in a few days and i missed it so much. I love being so close to him and just kissing him. He is so amazing,he is my baby,all mine,i don't want to kiss any other lips everr.
So i've had a pretty bad cough the last few days and it really blows.
Ughhh i miss my baby and i want him,and my throat hurts
=[
byee
Jan. 26th, 2009 @ 08:27 pm
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So i was trying to take a nap before and my dad comes in and turns on my light and starts screaming at me. He was accusing me of doing something bad and then he was leaving and he's like oh i don't want you hanging out with Alex anymore,i was like WHAT?! he was like yeah i'm not comfortable with it.
Sooooo i'm insanely pissed and want to fucking strangle my father.
Jan. 22nd, 2009 @ 07:46 pm
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God i love the fact that i get screamed at for no fucking reason.
And how i was cutting a piece of bread before and my dad said why don't you cut yourself while you're at it.
Lolllllllll i love my life.
Jan. 21st, 2009 @ 08:26 pm
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I'm pretty high as a kite right now off 3 xanax and my ambien
<333
haha ahh umm
i have no friends,which gets me depressed sometimes
but i have Alex
and we're gunna move in together soon
he's all i need
i love him
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Jan. 18th, 2009 @ 10:08 pm
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School sucked of course,but i hung out with Alex which was amazing as always.
I have a hickey now,good thing scarves are in and for cover up =]
Gosh i love that boy,i don't know what it is but it has to be love because i just cannot explain it. My life is pretty boring,it's work,school,alex,school,work,alex,school,alex
alex
=]
aside from work and school and HOME,everythings awesomeeeeeee
<3333
Jan. 12th, 2009 @ 09:26 pm
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So work completely sucked.
I was on 9 meaning right by the door on the freeeeeeeeezingist day and ugh omg customers felt bad for me put it that way. And i took my break like an hour after i was suppose to and it was INSANELY busy because everyones a fucktard and thinks we're gunna be blizzarded in.
Okayyyy
saw Alex a little before he had to go to work,this snow canceled our plans which blows so now I'm reallyyy bored and no plans on a saturday night woo.
And my dad came home and screamed,of course. I fucking hate this house i can't do it ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
fuck me.
Jan. 10th, 2009 @ 08:56 pm
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justtkatee's journal